The name is ridiculous, I know. I only named it that because someone asked for the recipe and I had some time on my hands to jazz up the document I was creating. It’s how I roll. ANYWAY, not to pat myself on the back or anything, but I make a mean apple pie. See proof below:
RIGHT?! I know it doesn’t have the fancy criss-cross top or the highfalutin edging (which I cannot master no matter how hard I try). But take my word, it’s GOOOOOD! I don’t think it’s the actual apple part that’s all that great. It’s the homemade crust. I honestly have no idea where I got the recipe. I’d like to say I made it up, but that would be a bald-faced lie. It would actually be a joke since I’m not known as a “cook.” For example, the apple part is the recipe from the Better Homes & Garden cookbook (circa 1960-something) that I inherited when my dad sold our house. I love that thing. It has old clippings in it of recipes my mom found in the Buffalo Courier-Express in like 1970. It’s hilarious. Things like pot roast with parsley potatoes. Side note – my dad made parsley potatoes almost every day (probably not, but it seemed like it) and they are D-I-S-G-U-S-T-I-N-G! It’s like grass potatoes. Sometimes he’d throw in chives, which I get (even though I hated them then). But parsley? Who uses parsley? WHO? It’s part of the “garnish” on the plate they serve you at a restaurant. The kind you hastily push off the plate for fear its grossness will taint your delicious food. Gack.
Anyway, in light of the season (I know pumpkin is very traditional now, but suck it pumpkin pie. Wait, don’t. I love you the most, pumpkin pie!), I’m giving you the gift of my apple pie recipe. I say this a lot, but I really mean it this time – YOU’RE WELCOME!!! If you make this correctly (notice I’m already giving myself an out if your pie sucks), people will love you. A word of caution – if you pull it off, you will be asked to make apple pie. ALL. THE. TIME. It’s kinda worth it, though. Kinda.
So, like I said, YOU’RE WELCOME!
5 cup flour
2 ¼ cup Crisco or other shortening (not butter)
1 tsp. salt
2 tsp. vinegar
Cut shortening into flour and salt.
Put egg & vinegar into 1 cup measuring cup; beat eggs & vinegar with fork; add enough water to make 1 cup
Add to flour mix.
Blend well and chill at least 15 minutes.
Makes 4-5 pie shells.
6 to 8 tart apples, pared, cored and sliced
¾ – 1 cup sugar
2 tbsp. all-purpose flour
½ – 1 tsp. ground cinnamon
Dash ground nutmeg
2 tbsp. butter
Combine sugar, flour, spices and a dash of salt; mix with apples.
Line pie plate with pastry.
Fill with apple mixture and dot with butter.
Cover with pastry, cutting slits for the steam to escape.
Seal the crust and sprinkle with sugar.
Bake at 400 degrees for 50 minutes or until crust is golden brown.
Let me know how it turns out. Especially if your friends hoist you on their shoulders and proclaim you the King/Queen of Apple Pie. Seriously, that might happen. I’m not being remotely sarcastic. You guys…you know me. I’m not sarcastic!!! Wink…